I wrote version 2 a few days ago and didn't reread it before posting. I think I didn't manage to reenter the voice. Too bad. Some of it tends toward cute, "The house looked down at all the birds even when they were flying and flying." Plus I think I had more in mind for "overlook" than "look down on" and that gets lost here.
The stanza breaks and the new lines work better than the sprawling lines & uninterrupted block of the first version. But this version is less interesting.
So it goes. It's not the first time a revision seems worse than a first draft.
No comments:
Post a Comment