Saturday, October 15, 2005

comments on "House Overlook", version 2

I wrote version 2 a few days ago and didn't reread it before posting. I think I didn't manage to reenter the voice. Too bad. Some of it tends toward cute, "The house looked down at all the birds even when they were flying and flying." Plus I think I had more in mind for "overlook" than "look down on" and that gets lost here.

The stanza breaks and the new lines work better than the sprawling lines & uninterrupted block of the first version. But this version is less interesting.

So it goes. It's not the first time a revision seems worse than a first draft.

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