Tuesday, May 24, 2005

comments on "Night Poems" version 5

I've only changed a couple things. If you've seen this poem's last version you may not even spot the changes, though they are more significant than changing "haven't" to "have not" ... a simple change that would have improved the poem slightly. Instead I changed the line "the painted shadows haven't faded" to "the painted shadows shine." Should I go back and say "the painted shadows have not faded"?

The other change finds "My breath offers silence another shelter" becoming "My mouth offers silence new shelter" ...

I feel a little ridiculous reposting the whole piece when I've made such minor changes, especially since too many times when I make itsy bitsy changes the very next thing I do is make major revisions. I don't think that'll happen here. Maybe I'll even change a line back ... "have not faded" is sounding good.

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