Office of Marriage Security

I'm listening to Morrissey: "America ... where the President / is never black, female, or gay / ... you've got nothing to say to me" ... Morrissey, didn't he make a big thing of his celibacy and refuse to respond to questions about his sexuality? A webpage of FAQs about Morrissey quotes Mr M thus, "'I refuse to recognize the terms hetero-, bi-, and homo-sexual. Everybody has exactly the same sexual needs. People are just sexual, the prefix is immaterial.'" So, uh, whatever.

Meanwhile great champion of marriage Gavin Newsom, mayor of San Francisco, has announced the dissolution of his marriage. Isn't he Catholic? As a Christmas greeting this year we got a smiling picture of twins and a note that their parents, the Oakland City Attorney, John Russo and wife Chris are splitting. I remember John was contemptuous of Mayor (& former California governor) Jerry Brown's silence when Newsom got SF City Hall into the nondiscriminatory marriage business. John has gay people in his office in Oakland so hosted a party with wedding cake with same sex couple(s) perched atop. Some of his religiously-objecting coworkers disapproved and he says he shrugged, "Who am I to judge anyone's marriage?" Was this his second marriage? Or his third?

There ought to be a Proposition on the ballot! Establish an Office of Marriage Security. Along with a lovely marriage certificate suitable for framing every marrying couple will be issued handcuffs to symbolize the seriousness of the union. The key would be retained by the state. Marriages would be automatically dissolved that do not produce children, as this is a primary argument for restricting marriages to male/female couples. Health care providers must turn over to the state any evidence of infertility, including injury, menopause, congenital reasons, etc. A sheriff's deputy would be empowered to turn up at the couple's home upon invalidation of the marriage; he would bring the key to the handcuffs and unlock them, thus ending the marriage. If it has been determined that the couple entered into the marriage in full knowledge of their ineligibility all property of the marriage must be taken by the state.

As marriages must be heterogeneous the Proposition ought to include requirements for mix of religion (Jews cannot marry Jews, Muslims are not allowed to marry Muslims, Christians cannot marry Christians -- exceptions can be made in the case of sects that hate each other, preferably to the point of warfare or other abuse), mix of race (this is self-explanatory, isn't it?), mix of age, mix of height and weight, etc.