It was time to work on this. I posted it. I said to myself, here you go, Glenn. Go to it. So.
I didn't have a sense the line breaks were doing anything for the scene. So I took them out. That's all I did. Didn't change anything else. I'd been thinking the dialog effective. I actually remember sweating over the dialog. 20 years later I remember sweating over this dialog. How curious. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to capture what actually happened. I don't always want to do that. I did this time.
Once the piece was a prose paragraph I started excising the parts that displeased. I rather like the current result. Quiet and simple. I think that was what I wanted in the first place.