Wednesday, July 11, 2007

comments on "On the Edge" version 3

I tend to read a poem aloud repeatedly during revision. Have to adjust the sounds, sound often pushing around meaning, though must take care with that.

The poem is addressed to the seersucker itself, rather than the wearer. I’ve long thought the second person (the you) problematic as when I read a passage written in the second person I resist it. What, it’s telling me what I did/am doing/would do?

You lift your face to the sun, its warmth soothing you. … Or maybe making you squint? The worrying type has already put on sunscreen. … The I speaks for itself. The he is spoken of. But the you is a form of address, a command form. Not to say I haven’t used second person many times; I am wary of it.

In the original “On the Edge” the person addressed is described in such detail that the reader is unlikely to mistake the you for himself. Is changing the addressed from a person to a suit of clothes a touch too whimsical? Does it sap the drama?

As I said in my last comments I reread “On the Edge” and don’t see a new way for it. But I’m having fun with this alternate poem. We’ll see if they grow together or remain apart.

6 comments:

Anil Tambwekar said...

Hi Glenn

Since, based on your Statistics post, it looks like you enjoy seeing who is reading you blog and how they got there, I thought I'd say 'Hello.'

I'm not sure if you'll remember me but my name's Anil and I knew you from the WinkieCon/Oz club about 10 years ago.

Anyway, I saw your name listed as one of the authors on an issue on Oz-Story and did a Google search for you and so here I am.

Anyway, I hope you're well. I live in Oakland. If you're interested we should have lunch or a drink sometime. You can email me at anilt123 (at) hotmail if you like.

Take care!

Anil

Glenn Ingersoll said...

hey anil!

Yes, indeed, I do like to know somebody's stopped by. So thanks for saying so. Besides which, I looked for you at Winkies -- my first Winkie Con in 12 years!

let's do lunch! (or even dinner)

cheers,
Glenn

Jack Morgan said...

Hey Glen. Nice post. I want to write a poem about a seersucker now. .. maybe a hudsucker, too.
The union fell apart, but things are going well.

Glenn Ingersoll said...

I give you my proxy.

J Martin said...

See. You address the seersucker. I like it. I think it's a strength of this version.

Glenn Ingersoll said...

It's funny. I don't remember ever having seen "bespoke" used the way I use it here, until reading it in my research for seersucker. Since, I've seen it two or three times. Seems to be standard in Brit English.

I'm thinking of doing another version addressing the cliff.