Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Ivanka Trump for Supreme Court

Respectfully submitted to President-elect Donald J. Trump:

9 reasons for nominating to the Supreme Court Ivanka Trump!

1) Because Ivanka is a woman. You just beat a woman in the election so women are feeling a little tetchy. If you nominate a woman to the Supreme Court you will get a lot of credit. Women will love you. She is post-feminist, that is, nobody will use the word feminist around her but everyone will clearly see that she is a strong, independent woman, which will show up the feminists. Women will love you
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2) Because you trust Ivanka. You don’t want to pick some old dude from a list pushed in your face by people who claim to know better. You want somebody who will treat your concerns seriously in the context of the present, not somebody who has some inflexible ideology to push. Who knows what business you will have before the Supreme Court? Best to get someone there you have no doubts about.

3) Because Ivanka is smart. Ivanka graduated cum laude from the Wharton School. She will be able to talk to the old farts on the Supreme Court and talk back to lawyers who think they can put something past her.

4) Because Ivanka is post-partisan. Like Obama, but blonde and more right. She has thrown fundraisers for both Republican and Democratic candidates. Ivanka is friends with Chelsea, as everyone knows. Ivanka will garner support from both sides of this divided nation. 

5) Because Ivanka is beautiful. You will be looking right down at the Supreme Court justices when you give your state of the union address and you know how ugly they are. Imagine what a relief it will be to see that bright face, even with its natural wattage dimmed slightly to emphasize the importance of the occasion. 

6) Because Ivanka is young. You need to cement your legacy. If you choose some old dude he will croak in just a few decades. Ivanka, being female and young, will outlast any other Supreme Court pick. You want somebody on the court who can watch out for your interests far into the future. Besides, it can’t hurt to elevate a member of the Millennials, the largest generation since the Baby Boom. Young people will love you for it. 

7) Because this pick is transformative. Your supporters want you to drain the swamp. They want you to shake things up. When George W. tried to nominate that old lady in his pocket, Harriet Miers, the Senate Republicans wouldn’t even give her a hearing. But you ran against that sort of high-and-mighty think-they-know-better stuff. Just remind Mitch McConnell that you won the election and you have a mandate and didn’t he notice that the Republicans actually lost seats in the Senate so he needs to back a winner. This is a real winner. Ivanka is not beholden to old Washington and ivy league elites; she’s not up to her waist in the Washington mire. Ivanka is clean. Very clean and shiny. 

8) Because Ivanka is Jewish. There are enough Catholics on the Supreme Court already. 


9) Because you know it’s a great idea. You pride yourself on finding the best people. There could be no one better than Ivanka Trump for the Supreme Court. 

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