Sunday, January 19, 2003

I don't know. This is going to be one of those frustrating entries. So read no further. My advice to you is. Because what can you gain? I'm not going to say anything. Nothing comprehensible. I have various unhappinesses about me now and I'm not going to be specific about them. Why? Why why why. Yes, that's the reason. The very reason. The one you've thought of.

Let's say you are a dewdrop. And the sun comes up. What are you going to talk about? What a lovely morning it was before the sun came up, and here's the sun to steal your life away? Praise the sun! Oh thank you, sun, for having peeped over the chill horizon, bringing your drying rays to my evaporatable body. Though the heat feels nice, it is my death! Or rather: my death feels so nice. Fuck life. Ah, but the dewdrop is not alive; it is a manifestation of a process. The cooling of the night that brings the water from the air, the day that warms the air again, water becoming vapor that will, upon the recurrence of darkness and chill, settle once more as dew. This is the daily dew cycle. To say a single dewdrop has an emotional investment in the outcome is one thing, but to insist the dewdrop's emotion is unhappiness, why?

The dew metaphor is all purpose. It has nothing to do with what's going on with me. It's just a way of talking about subjectivity, the feeling that one is experiencing being an unpleasant one, regardless of its cause. If the cause is an injustice, a cruelty, then one may curse it and picture its banishment as the return of happiness. If the cause is undetermined or if the fault is one's own or something else. If what. If in the end of it.

The ifs will make you sneeze.

A teacher once told me that people took snuff because they liked to sneeze.

Which makes me wonder if people smoke because they like to cough.

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