Those of you who also can tinker endlessly probably know what's going on here. One little tweak and the poem is vastly improved. Isn't it? Even if it's just slightly improved, surely that's good, too! Worth inflicting on my loyal readers? Oh sure. Nothing's too good (or too minor, or too ... bad?) to offer up to my long-suffering and short-tempered dear readers.
I decided the grammar of the last version could be read to have my face "breaking open," rather than the water ... while amusing in a horror movie sort of way, I thought I ought to try another arrangement. Long as I was changin' I threw in that "my" I mused about in the last comments and switched "its" for "the", deciding the possessive made the water seem an agent (if it were the water's skin) whereas "the" struck me a bit more ... neutral? definite? ... whether it was my skin or the water's.
Stanza two is starting to wear thin. I mean, is it really clear what's happening? ... "feeling" ... didn't I just say I didn't want the water to seem an agent? if it's not a creature then what's it doing "feeling"?
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